It Wasn't Fun - But You Won
Practical Commentary on Fear from Fiction
As promised… the basics of “It Wasn’t Fun - But You Won”
If you need a re-read of the scene its here.
There’s a lot going on. I’ll try to reduce it down to basics.
***
She trembled, her eyes pressed shut, her heart thundering in sheer terror. She held her fists in front of her face clenching her fingers
First - pay attention to what’s going on in your body. If you’re comforting or protecting a scared person, pay attention to what’s going on in their body language.
Here’s a body language analysis of predator and prey in the animal kingdom. For us as caring humans focused on healing, its helpful to replace predator with protector, and prey with scared person.
How To Look Brutally Powerful Without Saying A Word
If you’re not comfortable with this, I want to give you a quote from Jason Jones, founder of Human Rights Education Organization. He said, “When men aren’t given the tools to be protectors, they turn into predators.” (I’ll post the podcast link below.)1
***
He knelt softly, blocking her from the other’s questioning views.
Second - this is what caring powerful people do. They protect. They are powerful enough to put the percieved threat behind them, and focus on the person who needs help.
This movement of kneeling and getting on the level of the scared person, creates connection and empathy. It also through body language reduces fear, because there’s some part of us that still goes, “Things that are taller than me are scary!”
If you don’t think you’re ready for this, remember your shadow. Your shadow has the survivor skills to be this powerful. The Shadow
As a reminder, this is for healing between you and yourself. You don’t need to practice this type of healing with others. You might get there eventually - but you’re still working on your own healing.
***
“Want a hug?”
She nodded. Then shook her head. “I hate this!
He sat down beside her. “I’m right here.”
Third - be present with the emotions that are going on. They’re probably going to be terrifying and confusing. And you will probably feel frightened and threatened by them… but emotions are not life threatening. Its important that we experience them. Its equally important that we give space to feel these emotions when they come up in others and ourselves.
This is important for survivors and non-survivors to understand: Human touch has been used to harm, so comfort using human touch can accidentally be interpreted as a threat.
People can be present and connected without touch. Just sitting together, sharing the space with care and empathy, instead of allowing the frightened person to be upset at their fear and start attacking themselves, can be helpful.
Patience, empathy, understanding, compassion and active listening are key here.
***
“That I didn’t have to like it - but I shouldn’t let it stop me?”
Fourth - you don’t have to like what you’ve been through. You don’t have to like your reactions. But fear shouldn’t be allowed to stop you. Defiance is a massive piece of healing as you work through the pain.
Defiance is what will rework your brain. It is also a key piece in the Character Traits of Hero. All the character traits researcher, Nechema Tec mentioned are supported by defiance. This is directed defiance against the status quo of persecution and pain. This is defiance of healing.
What does healing defiance look like?
“I don’t have to like what I’m feeling, or the horrors I’ve been through - but I’m not going to let it stop me from surviving and thriving. It wasn’t fun - but I won. I won by defying and surviving. And I’m gonna heal up - and work against the evil that was done to me.”
***
“The only way you lose is to not get out alive. Every survival is a victory.”
Fifth - This means you can let your fear reaction happen… because your body’s fear reactions are a form of protection and detoxification. They help the healing process. Your fear reactions, the ones you keep blocking - those are helping you survive.
And if you’ve been through bad things - and the fear reactions are still coming, that’s ok too - because you survived it. You can celebrate that you passed out. You can celebrate that you didn’t have to kick the person who scared you. You can celebrate your jog out of the crowded room. You can celebrate your panic attack and how many people stared at you.
Why?
Because you’re still alive!
Every survival - including your flickers, flashbacks and panic moments - are reminding you how you survived in that moment.
Every survival is a victory.
***
“Then why does my body feel like it’s going to die every time I get into an enclosed space?”
“Your body is protecting you. Every person has a self defense system inside them. It may not look like throwing punches, but this trembling and shaking… it’s protecting you. Its a freeze reaction, instead of a fight reaction, like you prefer.”
Sxith - Your body protects you. That’s why your thinking brain leaves the room when we get scared.
Our thinking brain can rationalize its way out of anything - unfortunately, that talent gets in the way of basic survival instinct.
When its a life or death situation - you won’t be able to use logic to escape. That’s why your brain leaves, and lets your body take over.
That’s the protection. That’s the self defense. Its protection because you and your body want to survive, whether you realize it or not.
There are multiple reactions that our bodies have to fear. All start with the brain leaving the room….
The important thing is that out of the multiple reactions there is no best one. There is also no good/bad dynamic. You’re not bad because your body chose to pass out over running away.
You as logic human with a brain, don’t get to choose your reactions. Your body chooses your reactions when your brain leaves the room.
Its like the secret service and president. If there’s a threat, the secret service works to get the president (brain) out of the room. Then they react to the threat (fear).
***
“I can’t be angry at the little girl I pulled out of a tomb. And that’s where you go when this happens. As much as you’d like to be that brave capable young lady that you are - your inner little girl knows that she almost died in a place like this, while your adult young lady is ready to take on the world.”
Seventh - As adults, we slip back into childhood, when we get scared. This happens to everyone.
I didn’t want to believe it, and its horrendously difficult to swallow because you’re left with a very scary world of tiny children in charge and seemingly no adults in the room... which raises the question to many who crave healthy protection from fear:
If there are only children who can’t protect themselves, who’s going to protect me?
This is why we have fiction. This is why we have heroes. They are strong men and women who we get to watch have victories and do the good that’s needed in this world. When we get scared, and our brains leave the room - we borrow courage from these heroes. And that courage serves to move us from being in fear - to being IN COURAGE -
…Because a hero can fight bad people and protect from bad things… and a good hero knows how to help a scared child.
The conflict between the adult trying to do the adult thing, and the child who needs something, has to be addressed, as you face each thing or situation that you’re afraid of.
***
But here’s the secret to: ‘it wasn’t fun, but I won.’ Em, if there was a little girl here, like your niece, Laurel, would you let her be scared?”
Emily swallowed. “No.”
Indy’s voice dropped into tenderness. “Then what are you doing to yourself, littlest artifact?”
“Yelling at the tiny me?”
Indy cracked a grin. “And what should you be doing?”
“Protecting her and not being angry that she’s scared…?”
Eighth - And you shouldn’t be angry at the child who needed help either. Give the child what they need to survive and thrive. Give them what should have been given.
When we move IN COURAGE, paired with empathy and compassion, (like a hero), we can find that little child who is also us and say, “I love you and it is a good fearless love. I’m here to rescue you. Are you ready to go?”
***
“It Wasn’t Fun - But I Won” Summary
The shadow skills which are for your survival, need to be paired with empathy to create a hero/shero, or a trusted compassionate protector.
Once you have the compassionate protector, they are able to get between you and the threat.
The compassionate protectors are strong enough to focus on you instead of the threat, because they know they’ve won. Your inner child doesn’t have that knowledge. And that’s why the hero/shero has to kneel and connect with the child, listening to them.
Once the connection is made, the compassionate protector can use their shadow skills to rescue the child.
The ultimate goal is that you are able to become this compassionate protector, not only for yourself but others.
“I love you and it is a good fearless love. I’m here to rescue you. Are you ready to go?”
Perpetual Disclaimer for this series:
I am not a counselor or a mental health professional. I am going to attempt to avoid things which will cause alarm or harm, but I can't know what will trigger each individual. If you need to speak to a mental health professional please know that there are resources available.
Your stories are amazing!
Chronic Writer
The podcast mentioned earlier: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/he-loved-his-baby-then-his-girlfriends-dad-forced-her/id1450317086?i=1000454667227 (The podcast speaks about abortion, so it might be triggering for some. I listened to it because I needed a male perspective for a character.)