The Road of Trials
What it is & What it Isn’t
Damaging Beliefs
Since trauma and healing are complicated, and western culture doesn’t seem to understand it as well as some more indigenous non-western cultures - I wanted to take this week and talk about some of the attitudes I’ve encountered from people who just don’t get it.
There are many people who have never been through or acknowledged that they have been through really horrible things. They don’t realize that they too are walking wounded. Trauma hides itself well… and we often hide it from ourselves. But because these people haven’t looked at their own stuff, they presume everyone, like a seasoned boxer or mixed martial arts fighter, can take the punches of trauma and get back up in the boxing ring and hammer out another round.
PS: I took martial arts for years before my chronic illness threw a knock out punch that I couldn’t ignore. For those who have been in abusive relationships or felt powerless, I really recommend martial arts or self defense to get your empowerment back. I don’t want to advocate violence, but self defense is not violence. They came after you and you deserve peace. But sometimes peace needs some enforcement.
If you’re not in the space to handle some of the truly awful things that are shared by clueless people, I understand.
If you don’t want to read the rest of the post, not a problem - Instead!!!!!!
Valentine’s Day is coming up. I have a freebie story on Amazon Kindle available for free until Sunday February 12, (2023). If you don’t have a kindle device or a tablet you can access kindle stories through your Amazon account.
Here’s how: In the drop down menu where you sign in at there’s a tab that says ‘Orders’. Click on orders. Then click ‘digital orders.’ Under digital orders it should show the book you just downloaded. To the left there’s a button that says, ‘Manage content and devices’.
After that you’ll see a screen like this:
You’ll click on the right side where there’s a button that says, ‘More actions’.
There’s a drop down menu there.
Fourth option down is, ‘Read Now.’ If you click there you’ll be taken to a new page where you can read your kindle purchases, even if you don’t have a Kindle device.
For those of you who have tablets and mobile devices, go to your provider’s app store and download the kindle app. It’s offered free from Amazon.
Back to the Road of Trials!
Here’s a few things people have said to me on the topic of trauma:
What doesn’t kill you - makes you stronger.
No. What doesn’t kill you - doesn’t make you stronger. Its the healing from what tried to kill you where you find the strength. If you’ve got a concussion, or a broken bone, you don’t go back into the fight. That’s just good injury prevention. The same is true for mental health and trauma. Hidden injuries of the soul are no less real than a broken bone.
Aren’t you glad this bad thing happened? Now you can empathy for others!
No. I am not glad this bad thing happened. No one should be glad or thankful that bad things happen. And empathy comes after safety and healing. You don’t get wounded and think about the person who injured you. (Ask a soldier in a war zone. They get wounded - they shoot back.)
You do not EVER need to have empathy for those who wronged you. They chose to hurt you. The best thing you can do is leave. Anyone who uses empathy, mercy or love to play on your emotions after an injury they caused is a dangerous predator and you need to leave.
You’re so angry! Just forgive them!
This gets thrown around a lot in religious circles. I’ve also heard it from people who wanted me to forgive because they thought it would help healing. Lastly and mostly, its used by people who are afriad of anger.
First - you were wronged, so hell yes - you’re allowed to be angry. And anger is and can be toxic for the body - but so is not processing the anger. Not having the emotion, doesn’t make the wrong go away. So, yes, be angry… but fuel that anger toward something productive that will not harm you, those around you, or property. There is a place for anger. Its a survival skill. If Ice Age man hadn’t gotten angry and killed the cave bear threatening his family’s shelter and food supply, we probably wouldn’t be around today.
Second - the forgiveness thing. You don’t have to. It may not be safe to forgive the other people. Forgiveness comes when there is safety. Forgiveness is for parties that are equal… or else its given under duress as a survival instinct, called fawning.
All the talk about forgiveness being good for you - presumes equality. Its not a power move to accept the perpetrator back into your life in order to create harmony in the community. And perpetrators should not be in the same communities with victims. Let me very unscientifically and non-linguistically trained break down the word “Perpetrator: Purposeful traitor.”
Forgiveness doesn’t cover purposeful intent to harm on a repeated basis. That’s called criminal intent which leads to criminal activity and people used to be banished into the wilderness to be eaten by the descendents of cave bears for purposeful intent to harm.
Any community who isn’t comfortable with banishing perpetrators and protecting victims, will always make the victims unsafe and become a haven for predators.
Perpetual Disclaimer for this series:
I am not a counselor or a mental health professional. I am going to attempt to avoid things which will cause alarm or harm, but I can't know what will trigger each individual. If you need to speak to a mental health professional please know that there are resources available.
Your stories are amazing!
Chronic Writer